So, I’m a little over a month into my reboot break. I’ve
done a little soul searching, some reading, adopted a puppy from the local
animal shelter, a few walks around Boomer Lake, tried to get back into a
fitness routine, and so far have put off trying to draft a master plan/outline
for the year.
One thing I will admit to is that I’m a procrastinator—if I
don’t want to do something I will either find something else to do, or I will
keep saying that I’ll do the task tomorrow (and depending on the task—keep
saying tomorrow). I’ve realized that the
procrastination wasn’t that bad while growing up—there were deadlines for
homework and things like that (and as a child—at least I couldn’t get away that
much with the procrastination), but it started to develop once I hit college,
and has gotten slightly out of hand since.
When it was time to think about going to college, I wasn’t
entirely sure what I wanted to major it (I enjoyed numerous subjects in
school), and I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go. I had an average grade point
and had an okay score on the ACT—neither of which were going to get me very far
if I wanted to go to school out of state. I already had the mindset that I
wasn’t going to take out a loan for school (even if I was eligible for any that
were halfway decent), therefore that meant going to the state college in town.
I had decided to go the science route (as at that time
everyone was saying something along the lines of “major in what will pay the
bills, and minor in what you enjoy”). I could have gone into business—but the
thought of sitting behind a desk all day bored me, so I went the science route.
I started off thinking wildlife ecology & management, but once I found out
that the lab exams for one of the courses was out in the field looking at
plants (that wasn’t so bad)—but you had to identify them by their scientific
name (my spelling is bad at the best of times—I’m glad that there is spell
check), I decided to switch to biochemistry and molecular biology.
I still took classes that I found interesting, and this
resulted in me taking seven years to finish my undergrad—but I got two
bachelors’ degrees (biochemistry & molecular biology, and biology), plus a
minor in history (I was two classes shy of a sociology minor by the time I
graduated). Throughout these seven years, I learned several things about
myself—first and foremost the testing anxiety was still front and center. I did
well in the humanity and social science classes, but the other sciences (where
my majors were)—those were a struggle at times when it came time for the tests.
I’d found that certain areas of both degrees were more
interesting than others—for example I enjoyed learning cell and molecular
biology more than I did organic chemistry and physics. I also found that I
could pull historical facts forward faster than I could pull the method and
byproducts for an organic chemical reaction.
I remember that I was probably a year or so away from
graduation and wasn’t sure if this was the direction I wanted to go—but was
also unsure of which direction to go in. I therefore push onward, took the GRE
(got an okay score—not great—remember I have huge test anxiety issues,
especially if the test is all computerized—which the GRE was at that point),
and applied for different graduate programs.
I decided that I should try to stretch my wings and I
applied for several different programs that were out of state (plus at the last
minute, decided that I would also apply to my alma mater as well—as the
ultimate fall back). So I applied to four different programs out of state, and
while I managed to get an on campus interview for one of the programs—none of
them panned out. Either my grades weren’t high enough, or they didn’t think I
could handle the PhD program and suggested that I should apply for the masters
program instead (PhD programs pay you to learn, masters programs for the most
part don’t)—so I was lucky in that I was able to get into my alma mater for
This wasn’t my first choice, but I was going to make it
work. I spent a year in a structural biology lab, before I realized that wasn’t
what I wanted to do with my life. I then switched to a plant molecular biology
lab, where I was actually being challenged in learning. I hadn’t worked with
plants that much before joining the lab hadn’t done any RNA work, and I found
things enjoyable for the first time in a few months in grad school. Also it was
nice to be told that within four years I should have learned as much as
possible and it would be time to move on. The only drawbacks for those years in
grad school—there was no real mentoring in how to “properly” write a scientific
paper or proposal, and there was no real career mentoring.
After graduation I managed to land a post-doctoral position
at one of the many universities in the Greater Boston area. While I enjoyed the
time out in the area, I had ignored some red flags that I shouldn’t have and
struggling since to figure out exactly what I want to do with my life and
career. I’ve realized that one should never really take a position in a newly
started lab unless they are willing to put in fifteen or sixteen hour days six
days a week. I only learned a few new things, and started to slowly realize
that I probably wasn’t cut out for academic life.
Coming back home, and bouncing around at my alma mater
(first a postdoctoral position, and then two staff positions), has only
highlighted the fact—I still haven’t found that position/job/title/occupation
that is my “calling”. There have been things that I’ve enjoyed over the past
seven years, but there have also been things that I really disliked over the
past seven years as well.
So how does all this tie into my admitting that I’m
Going to sidetrack a little and give a little background on
procrastination (see how I’m procrastinating?).
For years, it has been said that procrastination is a time management
issue—and that definition is easy enough to see—we do something else to avoid
doing what we originally needed to do. Now it is being toted as an emotion management
Basically, we procrastinate or put things off that we may (or may not) have
attached negative emotions to.
So, I’ve admitted that I’m a procrastinator—which means that
I’m admitting to having negative emotions attached to certain ideas or tasks.
So which tasks/ideas/goals have I either consciously or subconsciously attached
negative emotions to?
back into shape—I’ve been out of shape majority of my life (never was really
big on sports growing up nor being all girly and dressing up/wearing makeup). I
had managed to lose a good amount of weight twice in my life—first time was out
in Boston (I was walking my dog at least twice a day, and cooking for
one—though most of the time weekday dinners were a peanut butter sandwich), and
then again about six months or so after moving home. At that point I joined an
accountability group on Facebook that was being run by a old high school
classmate—I lost probably about twenty pounds or so, but then after a bike
accident (where I royally bruised my lower left leg) and job issues—I’ve put
the weight back on (with added interest—I’m probably at my heaviest since
college). Why do I have negative emotion attached to getting into shape? In
part—I was picked on throughout school (or at least up to going to college)
about my appearance and weight. So there are still those issues that I need to
work through—basically I need to remind myself on a daily basis that I’m losing
weight to live my best possible life—not someone else, and I’m not losing the
weight to make anyone else happy either.
into an industry position—this is more tied into my anxiety, and the worry that
I’m going to make another wrong turn (like I did with my first postdoctoral
position). For the most part, I like to have a good idea of how things are
suppose to go—I knew that with the postdoctoral positions, I had to work hard
(though I did limit the hours to more or less “normal forty hour weeks”) and I
would have to read a lot to brush up on the subject matter (as both were new to
me areas). Going into industry—there are numerous different directions that one
can go in, the job may or may not be totally steady (depending on if the
company is bought out, merged with another, or if it somehow goes bankrupt),
and about a hundred different other issues. Also it comes down to whom you
know, and who is willing to put in a good word for you—and this is totally tied
in with my anxiety.
At times I
have problems with trying to do small talk, and networking—it isn’t that I
don’t want to meet new people and expand my network—I do, but I have this
underlying fear from childhood that people are going to be interrupting me and
correcting my speech. This comes from the fact that when we moved to OK from
MA, I ended up in speech therapy for years because of the fact that I learned
how to talk in MA. In case you didn’t know people in MA have a tendency to drop
the “r” in words—so since I learned how to talk in MA, I had a northern accent.
The teachers and school officials decided that I needed speech therapy to learn
how to pronounce my “r”—I spent five years in speech therapy, plus had teachers
correcting my speech in class. I then got into the habit of not really talking
in public settings—and this is something that I’m trying to work on. I know it
is a slightly irrational fear, but it is still there lurking in the back of my
are so many different choices for what one can do in industry, it is almost
like being a kid in a candy store. While I have several different options
listed out about what I’m curious about—I have a fear that the one I may chose
could be the wrong path. Though as I’m told—I won’t know if I like, unless I
try it. This is also tied into the networking problem—I don’t want to feel like
I’m wasting people’s time if I decide that their path isn’t the same one that I
actually decide to go down.
have everything planned out. I will admit that I do like to have an idea of all
the steps, and any and all possible results and endings before starting
something. I mean instead of picking just one area of Indian art for my paper
for art history in high school, I wrote basically a thirty-page paper covering
everything that could fall under the umbrella of Indian art.
also coming from again my first postdoctoral position—I thought I had
everything planned out, but then the rug was metaphorically pulled out from
underneath me. It isn’t fun realizing that one needs to move back in with one’s
parents in order to get out from the mountain of debt that one finds themselves
in. So now I’m trying to figure out how to plan out every single step of
everything and finding myself in motion paralysis.
So now that I’ve admitted to being a procrastinator and the
two main areas (health/fitness and career) that I’m procrastinating in, how
will I go about getting past the procrastination and making progress on each
As I was reading some different pages on procrastination and
emotions I found the following three sentences to be profound:
the whole task (e.g. project or paper) all at once will only frustrate you if
you have unrealistic expectations. Realize you must break the task into smaller
pieces and you cannot do them all at once. The next key is just start whether
you feel like it or not.” (https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/procrastination-wasting-our-time-and-increasing-our-anxiety).
Then I found the following ideas that had to deal with
procrastination along with social anxiety:
Make a list
of tasks and prioritize what needs to be done
yourself for completing difficult tasks
relaxation strategies to deal with anxiety about completing tasks
of the techniques include: deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation,
autogenic training, and guided imagery.
So now I’m going to name the two big tasks (relating to fitness/health and job transition). Then I’m going to brainstorm how to break those two big tasks into easier to handle tasks. In addition I’m going to brainstorm an award system for each big task. Finally I’m going to break down the tasks into monthly/weekly/daily goals—with the rewards being based on hitting the larger (weekly or monthly) goals. In other words—I’m going to be working on my long term plan (other wise known as five year (or ten, twenty year) plan.
Sites with their links have been included that I found interesting and used in the post.